Saturday, March 30, 2013

What now?

Joy was my first child. At the age of 35, I was cautious in my pregnancy. I quit my job to make sure that my pregnancy would not be jeopardized by the continuous lifting that was required of me. We moved to my hometown so that we could have her around my family, cashed in all of our savings and headed east. Then on that warm day in November, our whole lives changed. The dream that we had was shattered. No one had any answers for us. There was no reason why. No reason why this happened to two people so completely in love that had never done anything to deserve this. No reason why life was taken from such a precious child that would have been loved and cared for. No reason.

We are trying to go on with life like before, but it will never be as it was before.  Now we find it hard to even go outside. There is no happiness left for us. As we wander this world looking for where we belong, our days are riddle with angst. Only leaving the hotel room we are in for just a bit, just trying to be "normal". Then our emotions take over and we are forced back into the darkness. What are we to do? How do we go on without our daughter?

Saturday, March 2, 2013

I miss you

I can't stop thinking about you. All day long, every day. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought of you. I miss you so much. I still don't understand why, I guess I never will. There is a hole inside of me that I cannot fill. I try to be happy. I laugh, I joke, but still the laughter is not the same as before. I know I need to try to be happy again, and I am baby. Your Daddy and I moved to Colorado Springs. It is beautiful here, I wish you were with us. I wish I was holding you now. If I did something wrong, I am so sorry. So very sorry. I tried to be a good mother for you. I wanted you so much. What I would give to have you in my arms. On your three month date, I could not get out of bed. I cried all day longing for you. I miss you. When you were born, you were so beautiful. You looked just like me when I was a baby. I look at your picture all the time. It hurts so much to see you sleeping, knowing you will never wake up. I am so lost. Why aren't you here with me? Why? I hate it.  I want you here. I want to hear your cries. I want to hold you and hear your giggles. Will I ever be okay? I doubt it. I love you so much Joy Marie, I am so sad without you.