Friday, December 21, 2012

My Nightmare

November 18,2012

It was a normal day, sunny and warm. I awoke with optimism that my baby would be born soon. I could feel that she was in position to join us this day. We went for a walk, just like any other day, through the park and past the cemetery. When we arrived home, I took a nap. When I awoke, I used the restroom and noticed a little pink on the paper when I finished. I knew something was happening. So I told Josh that we needed to go to the hospital right away. We got dressed and made our way there. I was so excited and scared. This would be my first child. I was so happy. We arrived at the Emergency Room and I informed the girl at the desk that I was 38 weeks pregnant and that I just had some spotting. She asked if I was having contractions, and I told her I was having what felt like period cramping. She immediately called for someone to take us to the Labor and Delivery ward.

We were taken into a room right away and the nurse started looking for a heartbeat. After a minute, she seemed concerned because we were not hearing anything. I got nervous right away. The nurse said that sometimes the baby hides and you can't hear the heartbeat, so she started moving my baby around inside me to try to get a better angle. After she tried again, I knew. Josh was so brave, sitting beside me holding my hand. We were both so scared. I told him to call my sister, and she came right away. The nurses left the room while we waited for the ultrasound tech to arrive. Meanwhile, the hospital got a hold of my Doctor for me.  After being in the room for about an hour, the ultrasound tech arrived along with my Doctor. I could feel the tension in the room and I could see on their faces that this would not have a happy ending. The tech turned the monitor so that I could not see it, I just focused on my Doctor's face. And then she said "I'm so sorry, there is no heartbeat."

The world stopped. Josh and I held each other and cried. The tears poured down our faces and our hearts were shattered. We had never experienced this kind of pain. All I could think was that this could not really be happening. Why? Why us? We are good people, all we wanted was to start a family. How could this be happening? I felt her moving when we were walking in the park, such a short time ago. We were on our way to say hello to our baby girl, how did this happen? Why? Why? Why?

Then reality sank in, I would still have to give birth to her, there was no other way. I was not allowed an epidural because my white cell count was high, instead they gave me something that really did not take away the pain. My contractions started and got closer together, after a few hours, the pain was so intense that I would scream in pain during the contraction and then immediately pass out when it was over. After 7 hours of labor, my baby girl came into this world. I kept waiting to hear her cry, but there was only silence. Please baby, cry, I thought over and over to myself. Joy Marie was born at 0012 on November 19,2012. She was a perfectly healthy 6lbs 15.5oz and 21 inches long. She was just too beautiful for this Earth.

The nurses cleaned and clothed her and brought her to us to hold. I remember her beautiful face, her tiny fingers and toes, lifeless. I was so heartbroken. In shock, I just sat and stared at her, so that I would never forget how beautiful she was. Joy Marie. We had named her after both of our mothers, she was so special to us. How could it be that all of our dreams were gone? Why?... Why? Why? Why?

After the family was able to spend time with her, the nurses took her away. That was the last time I saw my precious baby girl. I didn't sleep that night. I just replayed everything over and over in my mind. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare, but I never did.