A new sibling for you...

Today I found out that I am pregnant again. I don't know how to feel about that really. I miss you so much every day. I love you so much. I am happy that we have a second chance to bring a baby into this world, but   at the same time, so scared to go through this again. No one will ever replace you Joy. No one. You are my first beautiful baby. I want you to know that. I hope that you do. I hope that you are watching over your daddy and I now because we need you with us. We are both so scared. We want to be good parents, we wanted to be good parents for you. You are still with us everyday. We think of you every second. We miss you so much.  I'm so afraid baby. I'm so afraid and so sad missing you still. The next nine months will be very hard. I hope that you can help us through it. I need you to know that you are not being replaced. No one could ever replace you. You are so beautiful and precious. I can see you now without even closing my eyes or looking at your picture. You look just like your mommy. You are so beautiful. I love you Joy Marie. I just wanted you to know.

It still hurts...

It still hurts...
It's been 5 months and 10 days since you left us. We miss you so much. You are with us in everything we do. You are the first thing we think of in the morning, and you are the last thought as we go to sleep. I love you sweet baby. I miss you so much. Your Daddy and I are trying to live life as if it is normal, but it's hard and we want to give up. Being without you in our lives is the most wretched feeling.  My arms feel so empty, I long to hold you and cradle you in my arms. I long for your cry. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I can see you clearly in my mind. I hope you are somewhere safe, I hope that you are warm and that you are smiling and in your grandmas arms. She will keep you safe. And she will love you. Just as your Daddy and I love you.

Daddy visits the spot where we scattered some of your ashes and he talks to you. I hope you can hear him. He has such a strong voice. I wish you could have felt his big hands hold you. You would know that you would always be safe. He misses you so much. I miss you so much. We love you Joy Marie. We love you so much...

What now?

Joy was my first child. At the age of 35, I was cautious in my pregnancy. I quit my job to make sure that my pregnancy would not be jeopardized by the continuous lifting that was required of me. We moved to my hometown so that we could have her around my family, cashed in all of our savings and headed east. Then on that warm day in November, our whole lives changed. The dream that we had was shattered. No one had any answers for us. There was no reason why. No reason why this happened to two people so completely in love that had never done anything to deserve this. No reason why life was taken from such a precious child that would have been loved and cared for. No reason.

We are trying to go on with life like before, but it will never be as it was before.  Now we find it hard to even go outside. There is no happiness left for us. As we wander this world looking for where we belong, our days are riddle with angst. Only leaving the hotel room we are in for just a bit, just trying to be "normal". Then our emotions take over and we are forced back into the darkness. What are we to do? How do we go on without our daughter?

I miss you

I can't stop thinking about you. All day long, every day. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought of you. I miss you so much. I still don't understand why, I guess I never will. There is a hole inside of me that I cannot fill. I try to be happy. I laugh, I joke, but still the laughter is not the same as before. I know I need to try to be happy again, and I am baby. Your Daddy and I moved to Colorado Springs. It is beautiful here, I wish you were with us. I wish I was holding you now. If I did something wrong, I am so sorry. So very sorry. I tried to be a good mother for you. I wanted you so much. What I would give to have you in my arms. On your three month date, I could not get out of bed. I cried all day longing for you. I miss you. When you were born, you were so beautiful. You looked just like me when I was a baby. I look at your picture all the time. It hurts so much to see you sleeping, knowing you will never wake up. I am so lost. Why aren't you here with me? Why? I hate it.  I want you here. I want to hear your cries. I want to hold you and hear your giggles. Will I ever be okay? I doubt it. I love you so much Joy Marie, I am so sad without you.

Where are you baby?

Where are you baby? I miss you so much. I cry every day, wishing you were here with me. To look into your beautiful eyes, to hold you in my arms, these are the things I miss. I only held you for a very short time and during that time, I stared at your beautiful face so that I would never forget how you looked. You are so beautiful, and I wanted you so much.

They say time heals everything,  but this wound will never heal. In my heart forever there is an emptiness. I can go through my day forcing the smiles, and trying to be normal, but I know that I will never be normal again.  You have touched my heart in a way that no other human ever has or ever will.  You are my baby. You are the only one who has heard my heartbeat from the inside. I wear an urn around my neck where I have placed a bit of you to be with me everywhere I go. It hangs beside my heart.

My Nightmare

November 18,2012

It was a normal day, sunny and warm. I awoke with optimism that my baby would be born soon. I could feel that she was in position to join us this day. We went for a walk, just like any other day, through the park and past the cemetery. When we arrived home, I took a nap. When I awoke, I used the restroom and noticed a little pink on the paper when I finished. I knew something was happening. So I told Josh that we needed to go to the hospital right away. We got dressed and made our way there. I was so excited and scared. This would be my first child. I was so happy. We arrived at the Emergency Room and I informed the girl at the desk that I was 38 weeks pregnant and that I just had some spotting. She asked if I was having contractions, and I told her I was having what felt like period cramping. She immediately called for someone to take us to the Labor and Delivery ward.

We were taken into a room right away and the nurse started looking for a heartbeat. After a minute, she seemed concerned because we were not hearing anything. I got nervous right away. The nurse said that sometimes the baby hides and you can't hear the heartbeat, so she started moving my baby around inside me to try to get a better angle. After she tried again, I knew. Josh was so brave, sitting beside me holding my hand. We were both so scared. I told him to call my sister, and she came right away. The nurses left the room while we waited for the ultrasound tech to arrive. Meanwhile, the hospital got a hold of my Doctor for me.  After being in the room for about an hour, the ultrasound tech arrived along with my Doctor. I could feel the tension in the room and I could see on their faces that this would not have a happy ending. The tech turned the monitor so that I could not see it, I just focused on my Doctor's face. And then she said "I'm so sorry, there is no heartbeat."

The world stopped. Josh and I held each other and cried. The tears poured down our faces and our hearts were shattered. We had never experienced this kind of pain. All I could think was that this could not really be happening. Why? Why us? We are good people, all we wanted was to start a family. How could this be happening? I felt her moving when we were walking in the park, such a short time ago. We were on our way to say hello to our baby girl, how did this happen? Why? Why? Why?

Then reality sank in, I would still have to give birth to her, there was no other way. I was not allowed an epidural because my white cell count was high, instead they gave me something that really did not take away the pain. My contractions started and got closer together, after a few hours, the pain was so intense that I would scream in pain during the contraction and then immediately pass out when it was over. After 7 hours of labor, my baby girl came into this world. I kept waiting to hear her cry, but there was only silence. Please baby, cry, I thought over and over to myself. Joy Marie was born at 0012 on November 19,2012. She was a perfectly healthy 6lbs 15.5oz and 21 inches long. She was just too beautiful for this Earth.

The nurses cleaned and clothed her and brought her to us to hold. I remember her beautiful face, her tiny fingers and toes, lifeless. I was so heartbroken. In shock, I just sat and stared at her, so that I would never forget how beautiful she was. Joy Marie. We had named her after both of our mothers, she was so special to us. How could it be that all of our dreams were gone? Why?... Why? Why? Why?

After the family was able to spend time with her, the nurses took her away. That was the last time I saw my precious baby girl. I didn't sleep that night. I just replayed everything over and over in my mind. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare, but I never did.